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So You Want To Move To Texas

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Governor Perry has traveled the country touting how great the state of Texas is for business and freedom, which of course, is true.  We are business friendly and cherish our freedom and we welcome those that agree with that premise.  If you don’t, please don’t come here.  Oh, and don’t come here to complain about the weather either.  Here’s one family’s account of their experience:

“Life in Texas” (This is a joke with colorful language…..)

Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th   Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th   Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th   The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th   Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th   I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th   Dry G** Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th   Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th   One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this F&%kin’ state.
Aug 8th   If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his F*@#king throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted F***NG Garfield!
Aug 10th   The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to f*ck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the F*ck!?
Aug 14th   Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th   Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.

Yankees, you’ve been warned…..blahahaha

 

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2 Responses to “So You Want To Move To Texas”

  1. Dixie
    May 13, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

    Hey, I might remind you Yankee that this is a joke! Trust me…..most Texans complain about the weather…..when it’s hot, it’s fricken hot! I would also like to clarify that I did not get used to the weather on that dog-sled ride, I nearly froze my ass off….and my feet!

  2. Yankeepolitics
    May 10, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

    Dixie, I am the queen of Yankee’s, but I lived in Texas for several years. It is very hot, but one gets used to it. When a person lives here in the land of snow and ice, you also get acclimated to the weather. The last time I went to Texas to visit you, it was extremely hot the day I arrived, but after being there for a while, I become one with it. Dixie, you also adapted to the wintery weather here in Minnesota when we went on a dog sled ride in Jan.

    Your right about one thing for sure. In the summer in Texas, a person goes from their air-conditioned home, to an air-conditioned car, and then to a work place that is air-conditioned, if one is lucky enough to work in it.

    I am a Yankee and proud of it, but I was also proud to live in Texas. It’s an awesome place to live, and Texans are very friendly people with a special twist of southern hospitality. There are a lot of wonderful things about Texas and Minnesota!